I Guess, This is Goodbye
by Sofie-xiii
Summary: Senior year sure had its ups and downs, but he was always there to make me laugh. Always there to make me feel like...I had a heart, but that was then and I start college in a few weeks...
1. July

**Akuroku**

* * *

 _My Darling...no that wasn't right_

 _My….can I even call him mine?_

Axel,

Where do I begin? It's been about a month since I lost saw you, but your acid green eyes and cheshire grin are still fresh in mind. I can even remember your laugh perfectly, not that I've been trying all that hard to if I'm being honest, I've been doing my best to forget you actually. Trying to forget the way you would absentmindedly gravitate towards me and we'd talk about anything. Or how we'd end up finding any excuse to touch each other, you putting your arm around me as if it was the most natural thing or when I'd play with your hair. Or, god, when you'd just envelop me in a hug and hold me like I was so much smaller than you thus had to be protected. We both knew I was so much smaller than you, but you always made it a point to look into my eyes. You never made me feel small, even when I got too nervous to actually hold a conversation with you, you just wanted to make me smile because that's what you did. You always made people smile. Maybe I was stupid to think I was special to you, after all I was just another boy in your class and hell none of us were even entirely sure you even liked boys! But the way you looked at me, the way you'd pay attention and remember things and shared random things with me, I-I thought I was special.

I guess I thought wrong, huh? I guess I was the only one who was opening up, I was the only one excited to share things. Do you remember the day we came back from a long weekend back in January? It was just after my birthday and before we had said our goodbyes for the three days I had told you I would be getting a tattoo sometime soon? Then I came to school Tuesday and was showing some of the others and you saw me showing it off and just walked away without a single word. Hayner said he saw you just stare at my hip and my face while I was talking then just walk away. Then class came around that day and everyone was doing their own thing and I found you alone on your laptop, doing your homework like the ever studious student you were in the backroom. I remember this perfectly, god how pathetic am I, I walked into that room and climbed into a chair right in front of you grinning like a madman and just chanted "guess what!" You just looked at my hip and said "well show me," I had totally planned it too. I had been praying I would get you alone that day so I could show you, like it was another moment between just you and I. I got up and stood next to you while you sat there and I just babbled about how it was still wrapped up since I had just gotten the day before. The look on your face was priceless, I pulled down my pants and my underwear ever so slightly and you blushed an adorable shade of pink. I'm more than sure I was blushing just as bad, for whatever reason showing you was so intimate. Then we talked until some girl came into the room and our conversation completely changed, and you were called on by the teacher and you left.

I remember so many of our stupid moments, us getting Jamba Juice, you taking me to go try some coffee place for the first time, you playing my Joker for our drama class. That bus ride home from that two day festival we went to, it was a nice night. Everyone had their windows down so it was chilly and you were right behind me and we were talking or making faces at each other. Until Sora sat next to me and offered me one of his earbuds, then a friend ended up next to you and your attention shifted. Sor and I just listened to music and of course sang along, I think you interrupted me during Daddy Issues to point out that coffee shop we went to. God, you were so cute, then Somebody Else came on and it was like you knew or something because it was that moment you reached over my seat to start playing with my hair. It was the most bittersweet moment of my life, a scene straight from a movie. We hadn't talked or anything at that point for about five minutes, then that song starts playing and I feel myself feeling things, then your hand is in my hair. Making me want to curl up by your side and never leave, but there was always something in the way for us.

That night it was a the back of a bus bench, maybe I should have just sat next to you that night but I had been stupid and had wanted to see if you would notice I was in front of you, other days it was other people, then some days it was us. Some days you came off as cold, like you didn't care about me or what I had to say, then other days I didn't want to be around you at all, for my own sanity. I didn't want to like you Axel, much more I never wanted to become infatuated with you...I never wanted to fall in love with you. But that very first day I cried because I was talking about how stupid you sometimes make me feel for thinking I might have a shot, that's when I knew and when Sor even pointed it out. That I was in love with you, hopelessly so. We still talked, still laughed, then all of a sudden you were gone. You were out of my life in an instant. Your plans changed because you were being given the opportunity of a lifetime and I was and am so happy for you.

But I'm selfish Axel, you were supposed to stick around, you were supposed to stay close enough to where we could eventually form a relationship that would be officially more than friends. You were supposed to be mine and I was supposed to be yours, but this time it was obviously fate, you were never meant to be mine, but god how I had wished for it. You're one of a kind, I can honestly say there will never be another guy quite like you.

I hope your grandma is doing well, I hope you're doing well. I guess I just needed to officially say it to you. I thought I had when asking you to be my Joker, I thought I had told you my feelings in so many different ways but I guess it was never clear. I loved you Axel, despite every barrier I have, I feel in love with you this year and I still dream about you and think about our times together. I'm pathetically hoping I'll run into you just so I can see you one last time because the last time we hugged I was so upset, I was so happy to leave your presence so I can get stoned out of my mind so I could forget how I was feeling.

I honestly believe you deserve the world Axe, you're an amazing person thank you for...everything.

-Forever Hopelessly Yours,

Roxas

* * *

 **Authors Note:** I basically listened to I See Stars cover of Youth the entire time I wrote this...maybe I'll turn this into something, but as of this moment in time it is meant to simply be a one shot. Hope it made some of you feel something! I know my heart hurt as I wrote this...

 _And if you're in love, then you are the lucky one_  
 _'Cause most of us are bitter over someone_  
 _Setting fire to our insides for fun_  
 _To distract our hearts from ever missing them_  
 _But I'm forever missing him_


	2. August

Roxas,

If there's one thing you know without me having to tell you, is that you were special to me. You don't remember when we first met, but I do, it was long before that drama class. Freshman year, you were in one corner of the room and I was on the other, I guess there's always been an unforeseen space between us.

We never spoke, until Halloween that was, you were in some black little outfit. I can't remember what you were for the life of me, but for whatever reason, that was the day you chose to notice me, I saw you sneak glances my way throughout the entire class period and honestly it took all of my willpower to not outright stare at you.

There was a break in the lesson and all the way from across the room, you smiled at me and told me you liked my costume. Your smile, it was so small compared to the ones I saw in our final moments together. It was so quiet, so shy, that was the time when you were hanging out with people who weren't good for you right? I remember seeing older guys walking you to class, I remember seeing you in their arms with that small smile and fear in your eyes. Those people weren't very good to you from what I remember, but you were just another boy then and it wasn't my business.

Fast forward, and we were in that class of people who had been together for their entire four years. But, they were your friends, you were instantly in the middle of all of them and I was on the outskirts, until they choose each other and you were the odd ball out. You had your small smile from all those years ago again whenever they seemed to have no room for you. I saw this and the way you tried to wave it off, but I wasn't in a position to do anything about it.

I watched you Rox, I watched you attach yourself to a few of them and become silent when you were without one of your attachments. You would stand apart and just watch, you were so distrusting then. I remember one of our first actual encounters, I did that trick where you hold someone's hand, I held my fist out to you and asked if you could hold something for me. You refused for a solid minute, but I was determined and kept insisting, until you finally opened your hand and I intertwined my fingers with yours. The smile you made, I swear that was the first time I saw you smile honestly and the fact I caused it was amazing to me. You said something like "Aww that was cute," and released my hand far too quick in my opinion. But I swear from that moment you always had a smile for me and, I-I started feeling special.

I always knew you were small and I always knew sadness sometimes lingered in your eyes, but God I just wanted to make that sadness forever leave your eyes. I can't tell you what it was that caught my attention, but you had it. I wanted to get to know you, be near you, I craved your laugh like the way you craved cannabis, and I wanted more than anything to make you turn that adorable pink you sometimes blushed when we spoke.

I remember the tattoo Roxas, I also remember every time you'd notice me alone and joined me. I needed to know if you would choose me and more often than not, you would. I'll never understand why you chose me Rox…I remember you in my arms, so small, so very small. I held you in my arms and said something like, "This is the second time you've ever hugged me," and you looked so confused that time back stage in the dark room. I'm glad that wasn't the last time you ever wrapped your arms around me.

I don't know what to say to you if I'm being honest, I was confused. Some part of me wanted you, you have to know that. Why else would I have gone to you, why else would I have craved your smile and laugh and your companionship in general. But I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to feel. I was confused and that's all I can say. There's no rhyme or reason but every time you looked at me with those big eyes of yours, wide with sadness, just know my heart hurt. I was never sure if I was the cause of that sadness but if I was I am so very sorry.

I'm sorry it took seeing you at the reunion dinner to finally have the courage to write you back, but the second our eyes met, it felt different. You held no warmth for me, the love you once showed me was gone. Dammit Roxy, I gotta know, is there any room for me in you heart? I know we're going our separate ways, I know I've fucked up time and time again, but I don't want you not to love me. The sadness finally left your eyes but clearly so did a lot of the warmth they once contained. I wish I could have held you in my arms one last time.

I beg you Rox, don't let this be our goodbye. I wanted the sadness to leave your eyes, but the eyes I looked into were so empty.

I don't know if I can be your light but, just give me another chance

Love Always,

Axel

* * *

 **Author's Note:** This time it was Sometimes I Feel Like Nothing by Hotel Books and the craving the night sky and a cigarette. No clue where this will be going, but I definitely won't be leaving it here. Stay tuned~

 _And I never thought I would be the one to fall in love_  
 _And I also never thought I'd be the one, the one to call it off._  
 _But if there's one thing I know about myself,_  
 _It's that I don't know anything about myself._


	3. September

How do I put this lightly, you don't get to do this. You don't get to come back into my life like nothing happened. You don't get to write me just because I don't smile at you the same way I once did. You don't get to start asking people if they know where I'm going to school or what my new number is. You don't get another chance Axel!

It hurt to see you, I don't know what to tell you. I saw you, we made eye contact and I felt like bursting into tears there and then. Your eyes were even more vibrant than I remembered. Your voice, God, it was like music to my ears. But you don't get to make me feel that way anymore. You don't get to affect me that badly, so within those first moments I shoved it deep down in me. I made myself feel nothing at that dinner. But the second I got back to my dinky little apartment I couldn't stop crying.

Is that what you want to hear? That you made me feel like shit? You made me cry, again. You had your chance to love me, but you didn't take it. That's not my fault that you now regret the opportunity you didn't take. I don't even know why I wrote you in the first place, I was feeling sorry for myself I guess. But the hard truth I finally understand is that you don't love me, you never did. Now you're only saying you did because I'm finally done and you can't have it that way. You can't let anyone not want you because you're fucking Axel Sinclair! You always get what you want and who you want. You took any girl you wanted while we were in school just because you could, and you made every guy's head turn. You where that huge question mark every guy wanted to crack, and out of nowhere senior year I was the one who came closest to cracking it? Me? Nobody little Roxas who hid away in his secret spot with his friends every opportunity he got and had seldom friends outside that little group?

But here's the thing, I don't care anymore, we're not in high school anymore so stop acting like it. Own up to the fact you fucked up, and move on. I mean I have. I hate this feeling Axel, stop acting like you want me just because you can't have me now.

Look, just leave me alone okay? These letters go to Sora's place and he just delivers em to mine when we see each other, so don't even think about showing up at the return address as a sneak attack or some shit. You aren't clever. Just let this die okay? Stop trying to string me along.

\- Roxas

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 **Author's Note:** Wasn't really a music influenced kinda chapter, was more of a borderline anxiety attack influenced one...but messier and more sad. A sad attack if you will, thank goodness my bae is much more loving than the one I write about right? So sorry that it's a pretty short chapter but I have plans for the next chapter that can go one of two ways, but trust me when I say both ways lead to significantly longer updates. Anyways, thanks to those who check out the story and please feel free to review/favorite/follow c:


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